Dueling Press Releases

Dueling Press Releases from the Crypto-Wars:

Note: The following press releases are FICTION, the product of a deranged mind! Any resemblance to real or imaginary persons is purely for humorous effect and should not be taken seriously. It's a parody, people… Keep that in mind.

Poor Cryptography, Inc. Announces Patent for XOR Algorithm

For immediate release.

ROCKVILLE, MARYLAND. Poor Cryptography, Inc (NASDAQ: PCRP) announced today that the United States Patent and Trademark Office had granted their company an exclusive patent on the use of the XOR function as a crypto algorithm. "Although some consider it trivial and obvious, our company actually had the cajones to file a patent on it… so there!" exclaimed Mike Poor, Chief Cryptologist at the fledgling crypto company. In an unguarded moment at the standing-room-only press conference, Poor appeared to take a page out of SCO's playbook, when he shouted at the top of his lungs, "We are now going to embark on an ambitious agenda of litigation, suing everyone in sight." He also fired this additional shot across the bow of industry competitors, "This development will allow us to completely control the crypto industry, driving those bastards at Skoudis Crypto out of business!" Mr. Poor closed the press conference by citing his company's mantra: "Always remember: Poor Cryptography is good cryptography!"

Skoudis Cryptography, Inc. Announces Patent Application for Double-XOR Algorithm

For immediate release.

HOWELL, NEW JERSEY. In response to rising competitive pressures in the cryptography industry, Skoudis Cryptography, Inc. (NASDAQ: SCRP) filed a patent on a new crypto scheme, known as the Double-XOR Algorithm. Skoudis Cryptography's Founder and Chief Scientist, Ed Skoudis, explained, "This algorithm is much faster than a lot of others we see in the market, such as DES or AES. It works by using the XOR function to encode data, as you might expect. But to achieve improved security, we apply another round, XOR-ing the output with the same key again." Although the ground-breaking algorithm promises to revolutionize the cryptographic marketplace, it isn't perfect, Skoudis cautioned. "Through costly and painstaking analysis, we have observed that the cyphertext generated by Double-XOR is identical to the original cleartext. However, we are confident that we will overcome this minor problem very soon!" Closing out the press conference, Skoudis caustically re-iterated his company's corporate motto: "Poor Cryptography sucks!"

Poor Cryptography, Inc. Announces Plans for Triple-XOR Algorithm

For immediate release.

ROCKVILLE, MD: In a highly unexpected move sure to rock the cryptography industry at its very foundation, Poor Cryptography, Inc. (NASDAQ: PCRP) announced its plans to develop a top-secret encryption algorithm code-named "Triple-XOR", or simply "Triple-X" for short. Mike Poor, Grand Poo-bah at Poor Cryptography, explained the rationale behind the new algorithm: "We need to stay ahead, constantly innovating, unlike those copy-cats at Skoudis 'CRAP-tography'. Besides, with an algorithm named 'Triple-X', we thought it would have a natural appeal to the on-line pornography business, an industry with significant crypto needs and a great deal of cash." Although Poor Cryptography hasn't released the details of its new algorithm, demonstrations during the press conference reveal that Triple-X does not suffer from the so-called "cyphertext equals cleartext" flaw that has plagued the Double-XOR algorithm championed by competitor Skoudis Cryptography, Inc. (NASDAQ: SCRP).

Skoudis Cryptography, Inc. Announces More Efficient Triple-XOR Implementation

For immediate release.

HOWELL, NJ: Skoudis Cryptography, Inc. (NASDAQ: SCRP) shook up the already rapidly evolving cryptography industry by announcing today that it had created a new, more efficient Triple-XOR encryption scheme. Ed Skoudis, Ultimate Supreme Commander of the firm, explained, "By making subtle changes to the underlying Triple-XOR framework, we have been able to boost speeds by an astonishing two-thirds!" This breathtaking development will surely improve Skoudis Cryptography's competitive position over rival Poor Cryptography, Inc. Skoudis explained the amazing breakthrough at the heart of the new development: a highly complex "Jump" statement. Software utilizing the new hyperfast Triple-XOR algorithm is expected to be available for sale within the next quarter.

Poor Cryptography, Inc. and Skoudis Cryptography, Inc. Bury the Hatchet

For immediate release.

ROCKVILLE, MD and HOWELL, NJ: In a stunning reversal, archrival cryptography companies Poor Cryptography, Inc. (NASDAQ: PCRP) and Skoudis Cryptography, Inc. (NASDAQ: SCRP) have announced a merger. Mike Poor, Pope of the new venture, put it this way at a joint press conference, "We decided we could be more successful working together than against each other." The sentiment was echoed by Ed Skoudis, President for Life at the newly formed firm, who said, "Separately, we had no clients, no prospects, no revenue, no clue… nothing, really." Poor completed the thought, "We just had a series of increasingly bizarre press releases, and a desire to control this industry to drive the other guy out of business. Now, working together, we'll have more than double what we had separately. Sometimes, one plus one does equal three… which gives me an idea for a new crypto algorithm!" In a related story, the stock price of RSA Security, Inc. (NASDAQ: RSAS) skyrocketed when news of the merger was made public.

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